An Open Letter to Parents, From Your Child's Future Boss

An Open Letter to Parents, from Your Child’s Future Boss

 
Dear Parents,

I am an owner of a pizza restaurant. I am currently 32 and technically a millennial myself. I have approximately 35 employees, most of whom are younger than I am. My establishment is what most consider an entry level job. For the vast majority of my team, I am their first employer. As a first time employer to many teenagers, I need to explain why, as parents, you are setting your kids up for failure; and why, when I fire your child, I am really blaming you.  

Pick your battles, but when you pick them—win them. 

Parenting is full of battles, battle grounds and battle fields. Who are we kidding?  Sometimes, it’s all out war. It’s not always easy, or wise, to fight all of the battles that parenting brings. It is important, however, that when you do pick a battle, no matter how large or small, that you win it.

I get it, you have long days. You are exhausted. When you come home from work, you don’t have the energy to battle your children who don’t want to: practice piano/read for 20 minutes/eat their dinner/go to sports practice. You don’t always have the energy to say no to your child who really, really wants that toy at Target and who starts to cry and kick and scream because they aren’t getting their way.

It’s definitely easier (and much less embarrassing) to give into your child, but when you do, you are setting them up for failure in the work place. When your child doesn’t know how to not get their way; or worse, throws a fit when they don’t get their way, they will be unemployable. They may get the job, but they won’t keep the job.

As your child’s future boss, I don’t care if your child doesn’t want to mop the floor at the end of the shift. They have to do it or I will find someone else who does. As your child’s future boss, if your child throws a fit because they have to keep their iPhone in their locker and not in their pocket, they will not be employed here long.

Please do not give into your child, because I won’t. Trust me, it’s better for them, if they learn it from you rather than me.  

Privileges are earned.

Privileges are privileges. Rights are rights. Do not confuse the two. We have a generation of children who have no idea how to earn a privilege. How could they when they aren’t being taught? How many kids are playing games on smart phones, video games or watching TV, without first doing chores and fulfilling responsibilities?

There is a simple test to see if your child understands that privileges are privileges. Does your child say “mom/dad, I want play on your phone” or does your child ask “mom/dad, what can I do to earn phone time?”? You may think I am playing with semantics, but I assure you that as your child’s future boss, I am not.

When I have Team Members who come to me and say “I want a raise.” we have a very different conversation than when they come to me and say “What can I do to grow into management?” Yes, they are essentially asking the same thing, but the questions tell me very different things about who they are as individuals. One is asking, “How can I get more out of the company?”. The other is asking, “How can I be more valuable to the company?”.

In the first scenario, I will list the requirements to be a manager. In the second scenario, I will map out their steps, get behind them; invest time and energy into their success.  Their success, is my success.

More importantly, if the first scenario happens regularly with an employee, I will start to look for a replacement. As a business owner, I don’t have time to build a team filled with takers.  

Consequences are real.

Teach your child that actions have real consequences – whether positive or negative. Do NOT make idle threats. If you tell your children, “if you continue to fight, we will turn this car around and go home”; then go home if they continue. If you fail to follow through on the consequences, you are teaching your child that consequences are not real.

 If you fail to follow through on consequences, your child will believe that nothing they do is ever wrong. They will believe that they are a victim when I fire them for not coming into work, lying to me about being sick, or manipulating the time clock. Trust me, I will find out and the consequences are very real. 

Just because we are often an entry level job, doesn’t mean that we aren’t a real job. If we weren’t a real job, I wouldn’t pay them real money.  

Teach them to be Productive Adults.

There is a huge misconception that you are a good parent, when you have a “good kid”. Please don’t raise your children to be good kids, raise them to be productive adults. If you look at what characteristics define a good kid, they are very different from the characteristics that define being a productive adult.

For the most part, a good kid can be summed up as a kid who listens to their parents and does what they are told. Congratulations, you are teaching your child to be a good drone; to follow directions and to execute on instructions.

I have employed a few teenagers who are “good kids”. They do their work – when they are told. They are also the kids who are completely confused when I fire them.

I do not want to employ drones. I will not have employees who constantly need to be told what to do. We have checklists. Lots of checklists. When I come into the restaurant and I see someone standing around while there are dishes that need to be done, do you really think that I should have to tell them to “do the dishes”? No, I shouldn’t and I won’t. So why is this acceptable at home? Teach your child to do their chores because they need to be done, not simply because you told them to do it.

If your child doesn’t have chores, I won’t even hire your child.

I want the best for my team and everyone who comes through my door. However the more our business grows and the more people we hire, the more I am realizing that I am not only having to be their boss, but also their parent. Collectively, as parents, we can do better than this. Our kids deserve better than this. After all, they are the one who will be suffering the consequences.

Sincerely,

Your Child’s Future Boss

Marriage Doesn't Need to be Hard

I was recently having a conversation with my aunt about a marriage in our family that is struggling. In a very non-epic point of the conversation, my aunt had used the phrase "marriage is hard." Without even thinking, I responded, "yeah, I know", and the conversation continued for a brief while, until we moved on to other matters of discussion.

It's funny, all throughout my relationship with Eric, from when we started dating, to our engagement, to now, people have told us that marriage is hard. It wasn't until a day or so after my conversation with my aunt, as I was processing the conversation, that I actively thought about the moment I agreed about marriage being hard. I guess I always agreed with this statement because I didn't have the life experience necessary to have an opinion on the matter. But after giving it a few minutes of thought while assessing my experience within my 3 years of marriage, I can honestly say that marriage is not hard at all, actually it's pretty easy.

Now, you may be thinking that Eric and I just got lucky in finding each other and that we are some of the lucky few who found a spouse with an equally balanced personality to perfectly compliment our own. Trust me, this could not be farther from the truth. Our dating relationship was tumultuous. Just ask our family and friends. We were wildly different people and, although we are both Christians, we had very different views on how a marriage relationship worked.

I was an extremely selfish commitment-phobe who had the mentality of "I'll do what I want, when I want and if you don't like it, there's the door." Eric was more traditional and, if I dare say, had a North Central University "bubble" like conservative-Christian cookie cutter image of marriage.

Logic says, we shouldn't have worked out, much less be having a wonderful, easy marriage. But God clearly knew what He was doing.

As soon as we heard from the Lord that this was it (which was about 3 weeks into the relationship) we signed up for pre-marital counseling (not a class, but Eric and I with a counselor that didn't know either of us until we walked into his office). We wanted to do this as early as we could in order to know, and understand, the red flags that would arise in our relationship. This allowed us to be proactive in addressing our issues, tailor our relationship to fit us through negotiation and make the changes within ourselves necessary to have a successful marriage. But most importantly, we learned how to fight fairly. How you fight in a relationship can determine the destiny of your marriage. Eric and I took this as essential opportunity to ensure a happy life together by creating these ground rules:


1. We are never allowed to call each other names. Period. For example, we can say, "you're acting like a jerk", but we cannot say "you are a jerk". This may seem like a trivial nuance, but by doing this, it allows us to comment on the other's current behavior rather than attack each others character. Nothing, short of infidelity, will erode a marriage faster than attacking your spouses character. Limit your fighting words to the behavior, not the person.

2. We are not allowed to storm off and leave over night. When we get into a fight at home, we cannot go stay over night somewhere else. Our intention for this is to reduce the drama and to protect each other's character. If I were to storm off and go stay with a friend, I would then have to explain to them what happened. More likely than not, I would still have the fresh emotions of the argument and present an unbalanced perspective of what happened while tarnishing Eric's character with that friend. Protecting each other's character is essential in having an easy/healthy marriage, but does require a lot of self control in those moments.

3. Ask and apologize if there is a misunderstanding regarding your tone or word choice. I really struggled with this one at first. There are many times when I meant to say things one way, but Eric heard them another way. He would get upset and I would become confused. When we talked about it, I would defend my position and blame his misinterpretation, which, of course, did not help the situation.

I learned early on that it doesn't really matter how you intend to say something, but rather, how the other person interprets what you say. It is the speaker's obligation to get his/her message across in the manner in which they meant it.

Eric and I have found that a great way around this one, because I often mis-match my tone and my meaning. The key is for him to simply ask me. Eric knows I don't ever intentionally try to hurt him, so when something I say strikes him as hurtful, he just asks me if that's how I meant it. Every time, I have said "not at all, I'm sorry it came off that way." This gives me an opportunity to clarify what I meant. That's it, no fight. Simple as that.

4. Find a balance between talking the problem out in the moment and waiting until the emotions have subsided. Eric likes to talk things out in the moment because he would rather get the fight over with rather than drag it out longer than necessary. I, on the other hand, like to wait until our emotions have subsided so we may have a logic based discussion. The reality is, that with a little balance, we can have both. We have learned to find the in-between time where we still have enough emotion to communicate the hurt, but also enough logic to admit when we are wrong.

Those 4 rules took a while for us to really get down, but now have become second nature. Because of them, our arguments are few and far between, but when they do happen, they really don't last long.

If you're married, try them. If you're dating or engaged, start these now. Regardless of where you are in a relationship, remember..............marriage doesn't need to be hard.